The Romantasy Therapist

Around the time Freya starts to become attracted to Bjorn in A Fate Inked in Blood, the pair are forced to hide, crouching down, shoulders touching, as they keep a look out for enemy vessels on the coast. As they watch, Freya becomes acutely aware that they’re so close they can smell each other, and even more aware that she reeks of pig. Many of us don’t realise how much our personal hygiene influences our willingness to be intimate.

Obviously, it’s not pleasant to be hugged by someone who is honking. What’s much more common is for someone to push their partner away just because they don’t feel clean themselves. They may feel they’re sweaty, that they have coffee breath, smelly feet or need the loo. Around the menopause, many people experience extreme sweating which leaves them drenched and uncomfortable, especially at night. Many people feel uncomfortable about their hygiene first thing in the morning or straight after exercise or work. Yet their partners still move in for a kiss or hug and frequently feel unloved when their embrace isn’t welcomed.

“FEELING CLEAN AND SMELLING GREAT CAN MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE TO WHETHER OR NOT WE FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES OR EVEN WHETHER WE’RE ABLE TO FEEL DESIRE.”

It’s not just concern about the effect of personal hygiene on others that can be an issue. Feeling clean and smelling delicious can make all the difference to whether or not we feel good about ourselves or even whether we’re able to feel desire. Who doesn’t feel more relaxed and comfortable between crisp clean sheets or after a warm shower or bubble bath?

Romantasy characters often mention their hygiene. True, they’re often trapped in a dungeon, having escaped from some sort of monster or covered in blood, recovering from a recent battle, with no chance of having soap, water or clean clothing for quite some time. Perhaps because it happens so often, they don’t seem as coy as we are about discussing these things.

It would be a great idea for all couples to discuss when they would rather not be approached, and to explain why they rejected that hug rather than to allow the idea that the hug wasn’t wanted. Couples in therapy are often astonished that their rejected hugs were a result of sweaty pits and not their partner’s aversion to cuddles. When they keep being pushed away, partners often give up trying to be close, and I’ve seen couples who’ve completely stopped having sex due to misunderstandings and embarrassment about feeling grubby.

EARTHY MUSKY OR SWEATY

Admittedly, sometimes earthy, musky or sweaty smells can be really appealing. But some smells are unpleasant, off-putting or downright triggering. Alcohol is probably the most common smell to cause relationship difficulties. Though for some people alcohol smells conjure up joyful celebrations, for others it brings back memories of alcohol odours associated with unacceptable, inappropriate or frightening behaviour.

Romantasy men always seem to smell of sandalwood, vanilla and tobacco, which is a bit surprising. Given how most of them spend their time, you’d expect them to reek of camp fires, metal and blood. Certainly, snuggling up to these guys and inhaling seems very popular. Perhaps the way they smell reminds their partner of home or a close relative.

Familiar smells can be very comforting, especially when they’re associated with happy or soothing memories. It’s possible to improve feelings of wellbeing by using pleasant room sprays, seeking out smells we like, such as newly mown grass, or having a good sniff at fresh linen or even fresh air. It’s also possible to change your mood with smells. Peppermint perks us up, for instance, while camomile is calming and lavender aids sleep.

Recognising smells you prefer, and their associations, can assist with maintaining mental health by introducing pleasant feelings associated with the positive memories evoked by the smells. If you do this deliberately, the smells alone can quickly improve how you feel. They don‘t have to be sweet and pleasant smells like flowers or perfumes. Some people have happy memories associated with more unusual smells like oil or tar, especially when they’re associated with a person they love. Food smells very commonly evoke memories as well as making us peckish.

TAKEAWAY

So do tell your partner if you don’t want to be intimate due to hygiene issues or if there are smells you hate and want them to avoid too, such as strong perfume or aftershave. And  do try to notice smells you enjoy and include them in your everyday life if you can. And, most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask if it’s okay to cuddle up and sniff your partner if you love their scent. It can be very bonding! TRT