The Romantasy Therapist

Celebrating ways Romantasy helps support our mental health

The Romantasy Therapist is a qualified and experienced relationship and trauma therapist

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  • Too much responsibility?

    I wonder if you’re the kind of person who always accepts responsibility for other people’s stuff ups.

    In Danielle L Jensen’s A Fate Inked in Blood, Bjorn points out to Freya that she is willing to take the blame for everything, whether she is really accountable or not.

    Read more: Too much responsibility?

    This is a self-protective trait which is often learned in childhood when adult carers are unable or unwilling to take responsibility. It’s easier for the child to accept blame than to make the adult angry by denying responsibility. Freya certainly comes from a family that finds personal accountability very challenging and expect her to carry their burdens while dismissing her own problems. Her issues are treated as far less important, and when this happens people become ashamed of attending to their own needs.

    This  can become an unhealthy habit that’s very hard to break. It makes it more likely that the person will tolerate bullying, even abusive, behaviours.

    What makes it even worse is that sometimes people beat themselves up because they know they shouldn’t be taking the blame for someone else, but it just seems to keep on happening.

    Though it would obviously be better to stop, it isn’t easy, Our brains become wired to behave in these ways. So It’s important to be kind to the part of you that always caves in and apologises even when it’s completely unjustified.

    Often, taking responsibility becomes such second nature that people really assume it must be them that’s wrong, especially when someone else encourages them to believe this.

    You have to really make a conscious effort to change.

    Try to think twice before you accept blame. It’s absolutely right to own up if you think you’ve been wrong or unfair, but try not to collude with other people’s unfairness towards you.

    It takes time to completely change any habit, but why not give it a try? . Even if you only occasionally make tiny changes, it’s a great start you can gradually build on.

    Do comment to let me know how it goes, and don’t forget to follow if you want to know more.

  • TROUBLE WITH HORMONES?

    Do you or someone you know experience changes to mental health before a period or associated with pregnancy, breastfeeding, the perimenopause or menopause?

    Women experience a lot of hormonal challenges over their lifetime which often go unrecognised. Worse, some people fail to seek help or talk about their experiences because there’s associated shame. So often, any change in women’s mood is put down to hormones and then dismissed.

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  • Walking away from an argument

    The best way to stop an argument from escalating is to walk away. But this is easier said than done when both of you are desperate to be heard and fuming. What you have to remember is that,a t this point, neither of you are listening. Essentially, when you’re really angry your executive function is offline. So you might as well just walk away and try to calm down.

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  • Is it too early for Christmas decorations?

    As soon as November arrived, Christmas stealthing began turning to full on Christmas embracing for some people. Though there are still pumpkins and skeletons on some front steps and in gardens, there are also already a few Christmas lights in windows and on trees, and people are beginning to showcase their indoor decorations on social media. Social media is also making fun of the differences in approach between partners where one dives into Christmas on November 1st and the other has a strictly save-it-until-December kind of approach.

    Read more: Is it too early for Christmas decorations?

    Families who agree with early festivities can share the happiness it brings, tuck into the mince pies and get creative with the paper chains. For those who disagree, it can cause arguments and tension, though you’d think Christmas decorating would be a fairly trivial issue to fall out over. Putting up decorations early doesn’t actually inconvenience the other partner, unless they’re roped in to help, so you might wonder why they can’t just chill and indulge. Well, it’s actually not that simple. This year in particular, people are feeling fed up and looking for ways of bringing joy to their lives. Some are taking inspiration from the pandemic, when many people put up their Christmas decorations much earlier and kept their lights up until Easter. Instant joy. Except some people feel it makes Christmas less special. They relish having to wait for Christmas food, decorations, outings and activities because looking forward to all this makes them feel as good as when they are experiencing it. For them, too much of a good thing devalues it.

    Looking forward to anything triggers the release of feel-good hormones, which is one reason that some of us don’t like surprises. We feel we’ve missed out on the lovely anticipation of a treat. So suddenly finding your home looks like Santa’s grotto, when you’d begun looking forward to this happening in a month’s time, can be genuinely dysregulating.

    For some people, loyalty to their family of origin traditions is also important. It doesn’t seem right to them to change what they grew up with, and they may already have struggled with a partner’s innovations. When there are cultural and religious differences between partners, they may have serious clashes where offence is taken and one or both partners feel disrespected and hurt. Yet this can often be overcome with some timely discussion.

    It’s very important to feel justified in explaining your reasons for or against an early Christmas — or anything else for that matter. Unfortunately, rather than explaining our own position, many of us are more inclined to belittle the other person’s reasoning, despite not revealing our own. It may be that both arguments seem trivial, so there’s embarrassment about wanting something so small, superficial or personal. But if it matters enough to really want it, surely it’s worth discussing why. Many arguments could be avoided at Christmas, and any other time, if we were all better at sharing our intentions and talking about our needs. There’s often a compromise which will satisfy everyone, and avoid rows and hurt feelings. TRT

  • DOES TRUE LOVE LAST FOREVER?

    It’s only relatively recently that we’ve believed one person, with whom we have a romantic and sexual relationship, could meet all our needs, satisfy all our desires. The concept of The One (True Love) doesn’t take into account what Happy Ever After is really like or why we have relationships in the first place. It does, however, promote the sale of Valentine cards, flowers and chocolates, often to make up for the dream that never quite made it to reality.

    Read more: DOES TRUE LOVE LAST FOREVER?

    Belief in True Love is also a distraction from the inevitable disappointment we feel when the early relationship hormones wear off and reality kicks in. If we’re honest, most of us feel we’ve settled for less than we expected, though we eventually accept that’s enough. Joint projects like making a cosy home or a baby, and individual distractions such as a career or hobbies, compensate for the realisation that your partner isn’t as perfect as you thought they were.  And nor are you.

    The good news is that relationships aid our self-development. Partners stick not because we have ticked the right boxes on our dating apps but because they hold out the hope they can put right some of the stuff that wasn’t perfect in our original relationships, usually with parents or carers. We’re not consciously aware that we’re making this choice, but somehow we can tell we’ve met a good fit. We may be a bit miffed that our partner isn’t as chill as we thought they were, but we may start to feel better about ourselves as we work through some of our unresolved issues.

    The bad news is that some relationships get stuck in arguments and resentment because neither partner gets what they need and is able to change. This usually happens when each partner wants the other to be different and feels they have no ability to make anything better themselves. They constantly trigger each other’s attachment injuries, not realising these are old wounds. They feel new and deadly.

    These are consequently couples who constantly complain and blame one another, but often claim they stay together because they’re so in love. Often, the most toxic and painful relationships endure while other couples, who seem so much happier, split up. This can happen because they’ve done all the self-development that’s possible with one another and need someone else for the next stage of their growth. Couples like these often remain good friends. Maybe that’s true love. TRT

  • Are we confusing secrecy with discretion?

    Romantasy characters often have surprising secrets. In many cases, shock reveals help to move the story along or change the focus. Often readers get the new information at the same time as the main character, while the secrets of main, or narrator, characters are usually shared with the reader early on. The reasons for withholding details of their past are usually very understandable. There may be shame associated with previous partners, their poor background or crimes, which prevent the character from discussing their past. They often express concern about the effect their partner knowing could have on their relationship, and are sometimes even willing to sacrifice themselves or their well-being because they feel not good enough.

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  • DO YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR PAST?

    In Romantasy, characters often have a lot of secrets or turn out not to be who they said they were or were assumed to be. There’s usually a good reason for their reticence to share, however. Sometimes, the information being witheld could put others in danger. It’s also common for characters to have had difficult or abusive previous relationships or had many partners. Some of the thousand-year-old guys in Romantasy would surely have a few tales to tell!

    But what about you? Do you think couples should know everything about one another?

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  • THE HONEYMOON PERIOD

    Actor Monica Bellucci and director Tim Burton have apparently split after a relationship lasting two to three years. The length of their relationship may be significant, as this is as long as the so-called Honeymoon Period of relationships normally lasts. Beyond this, reality – and disappointment – kicks in, and relationships either transition into more mature and lasting love or the couple split.

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  • DO YOU MAKE TIME FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

    Romantasy characters usually have to grab precious moments together in between battles, trials or on journeys. For most of us, life is a bit more predictable even if it’s really busy, and many of us don’t make the effort to ensure our relationship connection stays strong.

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  • IS PERFECTIONISM RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

    Perfectionists are often proud of their high standards. The trouble is that they can never reach the heights of excellence they aspire to, and so are constantly dissatisfied and self-critical. Often, that criticism extends to others too. They can’t help pointing out every little issue, however trivial. At the heart of perfectionism is the fear of failure. Perfectionists may be so scared of getting things wrong that they would rather put off or not attempt tasks or difficult conversations that could risk failure. So hurt partners often accuse them of not pulling their weight and failing to invest in the relationship.

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