The Romantasy Therapist

Do you swerve hugs and kisses with your partner in case it leads to something more sexual? In Romantasy, one or other or both of a couple often avoid being too close in case they succumb to sexual temptation. This is usually either because they think the other one isn’t really attracted to them or because they still feel they should see the other as an enemy. They’re generally over that pretty quickly, however,  and soon can’t keep their hands off each other.  In mortal humans, it’s often not quite so simple.

Many people are surprised to find they can very easily keep their hands off their partner once they move in together. It’s not just that early relationship hormones wear off once  you make some sort of commitment, but that you have many other matters on your mind. When you’re just meeting for dates, you make the most of the time you have together and probably expect to have sex. When you’re living together or meeting almost every day, sex can’t be your main priority. There is so much else to do in your shared space – working, sleeping, caring for kids, eating, taking the bins out…

When sex is more available, it’s not necessarily prioritised. Days, weeks or months can pass with little or no sexual contact and without being missed. The trouble is that the less you have sex, the less you want to. We release the cuddle hormone, oxytocin, when we make love – and it makes us feel closer and want to make love more often. Without it, we often feel okay as we are, thank you very much.

This behaviour is often seen as evidence of a difference in desire and libido but, even if this does exist, it doesn’t have to be a problem.  What’s more likely to be going on is that the context for sex isn’t working. Initiation may be at the wrong time, the couple aren’t communicating well, with neither wanting to compromise, and there isn’t a sexy vibe anywhere. That they can often find that vibe on holiday proves the point. This is actually so common as to be a normal consequence of a full life. Some couples get round it by scheduling sex, or at least scheduling time together where sex is possible if they want it. Couples who are having  sex therapy often quickly realise that their issue is not a desire problem at all; they genuinely have very little time or energy and the atmosphere is all wrong for romance.

HOLIDAY REBOOT

The trouble is, though, that most of us want to want sex and worry there’s something wrong if we don’t. We don’t have to think about this so long as our partner feels the same or isn’t initiating sex. When they are, there is a whole lot more to deal with, including what it says about us that we aren’t interested in sex (or our partner isn’t) under the current circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, there are many happily uninterested people who don’t give sex a second thought. Nothing wrong with that. But for those who are sometimes interested, negotiating when can be a genuine issue, particularly when it affects their self-image or when they feel they’re missing out on closeness and cuddles. Sex is about so much more than physical pleasure, though this is obviously very important. But sex is also about how we see ourselves and how we see our relationship, and it’s something we can miss very much when it’s a crucial part of the bond we have with a partner.

It’s not that people no  longer find their partner attractive, it’s just that they’re tired, busy and the context feels all wrong. Quite commonly, people who have little or no sex when they’re working, have a great deal of sex on holiday. They’re more relaxed and they don’t experience all the pressures that make sex the last thing on their mind. Holiday sex may be enough to reboot their sex life or at least  make them feel rebonded. They may be satisfied with lots of tactile intimacy and very occasional sexual experiences together. But some people worry that they should be having force nine sex more often.

Often one partner will decide more sex is needed and do their very best to initiate it. This often happens at the worst moment, such as when their partner is in the middle of a work project, just taking dinner out of the oven, feeling too sweaty for sex, exhausted or just not in the mood. Rather than recognising their timing is off, some people become resentful and feel rejected, doubling down on their sexual interest. Often, though, their partner may just find this irritating, and it may ultimately lead to avoidance of all physical contact by both of them.

SEX BAN

When people are out of the habit of being sexual together, and when they have been suppressing their feelings for a while, attempting intimacy can feel incredibly clunky and difficult. This can also happen after a period apart or following an illness or childbirth, so it affects a great many people. One way to deal with this, which may sound counterintuitive, is to impose a sex ban. If you’re not having sex anyway, this may seem particularly bonkers but what is does is to remove the threat posed by touch when sex is a possibility. Couples can then discuss what sort of touch is possible within the sex ban – holding hands, kissing, snuggling in bed or on the sofa, for instance. This may be too much for some couples and not enough for others. That’s the whole point though. This is an opportunity to discover what works for the two of you and to be realistic about what’s possible with the time and energy you have available.

Many couples turn the sex ban exercise into a form of sex therapy, communicating better about how they’re feeling and making an effort to promote intimacy rather than avoid it. Revisiting the ban and adding more and different kinds of touch over a number of weeks or months allows couples to reestablish their sexual relationship, usually finding it’s better than ever because they are better  at communicating and talking honestly about their needs and wishes. Try it! TRT