The Romantasy Therapist

The best way to stop an argument from escalating is to walk away. But this is easier said than done when both of you are desperate to be heard and fuming. What you have to remember is that,a t this point, neither of you are listening. Essentially, when you’re really angry your executive function is offline. So you might as well just walk away and try to calm down.

It’s really important, however, that you don’t storm off. If your partner feels you’re abandoning them it will only get worse. Instead, try to just say calmly that you’re going to take a break so that things don’t get worse. Point out that you’re not going off in a huff; you’re going to make things better and you’ll be back soon. If you’re the one left, don’t chase after your partner. It’ll only reinvigorate the row.

What you both do in that break is really important because you don’t want to keep working yourselves up. If you can use the time to calm down and regain your executive function, you’ll be able to have a much more productive conversation.

It often only takes about 15-20 minutes to reset if you’re able to distract yourself, but you might need longer to prepare to reunite. Do some deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, cuddle the cat, read a book, get outside in the fresh air, watch TokTok or TV. It doesn’t matter what you do so long as you aren’t ruminating. Though it helps to be with people, it doesn’t help to spend your reset time complaining about your partner. That won’t help you to reset. Or, at least, it will take much longer. Similarly, at some point, it might help to write down how you’re feeling, but that might also work you up  more. Right now, aim for distraction.

Don’t drive or attempt tasks which will make you more resentful, although completing something you find fulfilling is a great idea. Plan in advance what you’ll do. Take the dog for a walk, read Romantasy, take a nap, do some colouring.

PLAN YOUR CONVERSATION

Then, when you feel better, think about what you want to achieve from any conversation. Ideally, you’ll have been able to identify what you want from your partner, so you can ask for that without yelling or blaming. Check if it’s okay to talk first rather than just launching into something your partner may not be ready for. It may be better to reschedule this chat for another time and carry on with your plans for the day.

Make sure that the time you schedule will actually leave you free to talk without distractions. Arguments often begin just because someone has chosen a bad moment or you aren’t in a place where talking is really possible. And don’t chat over an alcoholic drink, which might make you forget what you want to achieve and make it more difficult to avoid another row.

I can’t emphasise enough that it’s important to know what you want to achieve and that you don’t just take the opportunity to mudsling. You’ll just keep going round in circles and end up feeling terrible. it’s also essential to put a time limit on the conversation – 20 minutes max. If it takes longer you could find yourself repeating the same thing endlessly or veering off into historical complaint that continues well into the night.

If your calm conversation does somehow turn into an argument, take another break. You may be better off putting your request into a voicenote or message so that you have an agenda the next time you talk. But remember to keep it positive.

Comment to let me know how you get on. Good luck! TRT