The Romantasy Therapist

It’s only relatively recently that we’ve believed one person, with whom we have a romantic and sexual relationship, could meet all our needs, satisfy all our desires. The concept of The One (True Love) doesn’t take into account what Happy Ever After is really like or why we have relationships in the first place. It does, however, promote the sale of Valentine cards, flowers and chocolates, often to make up for the dream that never quite made it to reality.

Belief in True Love is also a distraction from the inevitable disappointment we feel when the early relationship hormones wear off and reality kicks in. If we’re honest, most of us feel we’ve settled for less than we expected, though we eventually accept that’s enough. Joint projects like making a cosy home or a baby, and individual distractions such as a career or hobbies, compensate for the realisation that your partner isn’t as perfect as you thought they were.  And nor are you.

The good news is that relationships aid our self-development. Partners stick not because we have ticked the right boxes on our dating apps but because they hold out the hope they can put right some of the stuff that wasn’t perfect in our original relationships, usually with parents or carers. We’re not consciously aware that we’re making this choice, but somehow we can tell we’ve met a good fit. We may be a bit miffed that our partner isn’t as chill as we thought they were, but we may start to feel better about ourselves as we work through some of our unresolved issues.

The bad news is that some relationships get stuck in arguments and resentment because neither partner gets what they need and is able to change. This usually happens when each partner wants the other to be different and feels they have no ability to make anything better themselves. They constantly trigger each other’s attachment injuries, not realising these are old wounds. They feel new and deadly.

These are consequently couples who constantly complain and blame one another, but often claim they stay together because they’re so in love. Often, the most toxic and painful relationships endure while other couples, who seem so much happier, split up. This can happen because they’ve done all the self-development that’s possible with one another and need someone else for the next stage of their growth. Couples like these often remain good friends. Maybe that’s true love. TRT