The Romantasy Therapist

Romantasy characters often have surprising secrets. In many cases, shock reveals help to move the story along or change the focus. Often readers get the new information at the same time as the main character, while the secrets of main, or narrator, characters are usually shared with the reader early on. The reasons for withholding details of their past are usually very understandable. There may be shame associated with previous partners, their poor background or crimes, which prevent the character from discussing their past. They often express concern about the effect their partner knowing could have on their relationship, and are sometimes even willing to sacrifice themselves or their well-being because they feel not good enough.

This is a kinda quaint and old-fashioned way to carry on compared with the way many people nowadays see self-disclosure. There is frequently an expectation that they should be able to discuss their feelings and experiences, and receive support, no matter what. Indeed, many people post reports about their life on social media many times a day, which presumably leaves them very little time to chat things over with their friends and family, who they nonetheless frequently say are marvellously supportive. But whatever other people in their real lives can offer may appear inadequate compared with the likes and cheerleading comments they can achieve with online disclosures which inevitably tell a highly curated and one-sided story.

Don’t get me wrong, I love social media. It can be a huge source of comfort and information, making it a mental health resource that, these days, we cannot do without. However, as private individuals we aren’t trained on how to provide a mental health service which also protects our own mental health. While many people may feel relief and support by posting their feelings, and hope they’re helping others in the process, they’re also creating vulnerabilities which may not be reversible and may not affect just them.

POSTS CAN COME BACK TO BITE YOU

Though they will almost certainly become victims of trolling if their posts reach a large audience, the content of the very posts which bring them so much help may devastate family members. Even if the posts are taken down, people who have seen them may have acquired considerable personal information about them which they may think it’s okay to discuss. So you could find an acquaintance telling your adult daughter that you were suicidal when they were a toddler or revealing to a new partner that an old flame forced you into sex work. Incidents which are, in themselves, nothing to be ashamed of may be seen differently with distance.  The people they happened to may now wish they could control who knows what about their lives and how the stories about them are told.

As a therapist, I’m starting to see people with trauma related to issues like these. The feelings of control they experienced when they posted years ago during a bad patch are now replaced by the realisation they have no control over the narratives circulating about them. They may not feel like the same person as the one who posted about their anguish all those years ago, but suddenly a post resurfaces or is recalled, and they are being treated as though nothing has changed. Ironically, the openness they demonstrated in those original  social media posts is replaced by accusations of secrecy. Those who didn’t know them years ago may wonder why they haven’t talked to people close to them about what they were going through. This can encourage paranoia.  Do people close to them who know about their past, and saw the original posts, feel obliged not to discuss them, to keep the secrets themselves, or are they also liable to blurt out reminders without thinking? Everyone can start to seem dangerous.

The sort of posts causing problems now are not so much the regular emotional updates which are currently popular on sites like TikTok and Instagram, but late night drunken rants when people let off steam on sites like Facebook 20 or more years ago. What’s being posted now is considerably more damaging. There’s now considerable evidence that we are much less inhibited online. While this can sometimes help people to usefully release emotion – such as in online therapy or AI chats – it can also encourage them to reveal more than they meant to. Widespread posting of toxic rants can also normalise spiteful behaviour so that there’s seems nothing wrong with publicly attacking strangers or even people we know.

SAFE DISCLOSURE

All of this is happening in a welcome environment of improved awareness of mental health needs and more willingness to discuss them. But, for some people, this has morphed into serious over-sharing and criticism of others who are more careful about who they talk to.  Being careful about what you share isn’t lack of openness – it’s discretion.  It’s important to feel, and be, safe when you disclose. It isn’t necessarily safe to reveal everything to strangers via an online platform, especially when you’re doing this because you don’t know have anyone who feels okay to confide in in real life.

I recently came across a post where someone announced that she had accidently pooed in the bath. She’d come online to discuss this in depth because, though it troubled her, her husband didn’t want to discuss it and she felt the need to unload emotionally as well as physically. Maybe try journalling instead was my first thought, as I scrolled on. Or, if reassurance is needed, ask AI. Just asking a search engine how common accidentally pooing in the bath can be provided several articles the poster would have found reassuring. It also led to a number of mildly disturbing posts about people who deliberately poo in the shower! It’s also troubling that anyone sees their only emotional outlet as social media when there is so much self-help information, including strategies for managing dysregulation and mood changes.

As well as revealing personal information, and perhaps using language that can’t be unsaid once it’s out there, there’s a real danger of feeling worse than if you hadn’t posted. The disinhibition which makes us reveal so much online also allows us to feel okay about being mean to others. Sometimes a post or series of posts which were originally well received are suddenly being reposted by trollers.

Of course it’s important that we don’t bottle up our feelings. The Romantasy characters who struggle with their past, and who delay or avoid discussing too much with their love interest, usually find that they are accepted and soothed if they do talk to their loved one about past struggles. But the revelations happen in the context of a close and caring relationship, where there is trust. Indeed, Romantasy characters often discuss how much they want or need to know and may preface conversations about the past with reassurances that partners should only reveal what they feel comfortable to share. That makes sense. TRT