The Romantasy Therapist

In Romantasy, characters often have a lot of secrets or turn out not to be who they said they were or were assumed to be. There’s usually a good reason for their reticence to share, however. Sometimes, the information being witheld could put others in danger. It’s also common for characters to have had difficult or abusive previous relationships or had many partners. Some of the thousand-year-old guys in Romantasy would surely have a few tales to tell!

But what about you? Do you think couples should know everything about one another?

Most couple therapists would caution against revealing too much about past relationships, especially in the early days of a new one. You have to think about why you’re so keen to share stories about your past. It’s fine to reminisce when it’s relevant to your conversation, but sometimes there’s no good reason to share. For one thing, it can sound as though you’re still hung up on a previous partner or whanging on about them can be very boring. You may think your new partner needs to know what a tough time you’ve had, but this can be really off-putting when you don’t know someone well. You also can’t be sure they won’t use what you’ve said in a negative way or tell other people about your past.

Insisting you share details of previous relationships should be seen as a red flag. Why does someone want to know about something that’s over? Some people seem quite proud of their jealousy, but it may mean they try to restrict what you do and who you see, which isn’t okay. Telling you that sharing details of past relationships is essential to prove how close you are is just an excuse to exert control when someone has difficulty managing their own emotions. They really need to work on this before starting a relationship.

If you have known someone for a while and trust them, you may want to explain why something bothers you when it’s a result of a past relationship. The intention here is that the new partner will avoid the behaviour that bothers you. If they don’t do that, or even increase the unwanted behaviour, don’t persevere with them. They don’t respect you and you can definitely do better. TRT