The Romantasy Therapist

Romantasy characters usually have to grab precious moments together in between battles, trials or on journeys. For most of us, life is a bit more predictable even if it’s really busy, and many of us don’t make the effort to ensure our relationship connection stays strong.

With today’s hectic schedules, it’s really easy to put off couple time – especially when you’re living together. When they realise how little time they’re making for each other, couples often worry that the relationship has gone off the boil and fear that they’re on a downward spiral. But relationships need attention, and it’s really easy to neglect them when you have a demanding routine with competing demands on your time. The trick is to schedule time for your relationship too.

Some people don’t schedule  because they believe relationship engagement should be spontaneous. In fact, though, most of what we do is intentional. There may be times when things happen on the spur of the moment but, if you think about it, most of the time what we do is planned. Would you not put on clean underwear before a hot date, for instance? It’s when we don’t plan that nothing happens or things go wrong – particularly with intimacy. People often push a partner away when they go in for a kiss or cuddle at an inconvenient moment, such as when someone feels preoccupied, hurried or grubby.

Planning doesn’t have to mean making a big song and dance about time together. You can fit together time into your schedule by cooking and/or eating  a meal together once a week, showering together, meeting for a coffee or lunch during a busy day, walking the dog together, watching TV or movies, taking up a joint hobby, chatting in bed, playing games or even sharing household tasks like gardening, DIY or laundry. Housework is a lot less boring when it’s shared, and jobs you’ve been putting off actually get done.

CHECK IN REGULARLY

It makes sense to check in regularly to ensure that you’re both okay, particularly with each other. If you can, put aside 20 minutes every week to catch up and synchronise your diaries so you’re clear about who is doing what and when and whether there is a window for your couple time. Lots of couples  plan date nights. It makes sense to get these in the diary well in advance and treat them as unmovable except in emergency. If you do have to cancel, rebook immediately. But don’t put too much pressure on a date. For instance, don’t use dates for serious conversations, talking about the children, complaining or expecting sex. Dates should be fun times with no pressure so use them to enjoy and feed your relationship, not as an opportunity to grab sex or moan. It’s also important to get the odd night away where you can relax together and forget your everyday responsibilities. This may be the only time you have for romance or just for a good companionable sleep. While it’s great if your night off has you swinging from the chandeliers, don’t put pressure on yourselves. It’s often a good idea to aim for morning sex rather than forcing yourselves after a late night. Sex is supposed to be about pleasure, not performance or endurance.

The reality is that fitting sex in is often much harder than you’d expect, especially for couples who share a bed. On a typical busy day, there’s not necessarily anything which creates the mood for intimacy and we just flop gratefully into bed and start snoring. Many people who fear they’ve lost their libido are just too distracted or tired to notice it. Often, couples have to actively make time for any kind of intimacy. Some couples spend a scheduled hour a week in the bath or cuddling in bed where there is the possibility of sex if they choose it. If they don’t, they’ll still have had a close, connecting experience.

But time together has to be agreed, and it’s common for one partner to complain that they do all the scheduling – initiating sex, booking outings, planning dates. When they feel unappreciated and resentful, they often give up. But before throwing in the towel, it’s worth talking about this together. Couples get along best when they play to their strengths, which doesn’t always mean taking on the same jobs. Instead, it makes sense to work out what you each do well or enjoy and split the tasks accordingly, making sure that you each actually do what you’ve agreed. Try it! TRT