The Romantasy Therapist

Perfectionists are often proud of their high standards. The trouble is that they can never reach the heights of excellence they aspire to, and so are constantly dissatisfied and self-critical. Often, that criticism extends to others too. They can’t help pointing out every little issue, however trivial. At the heart of perfectionism is the fear of failure. Perfectionists may be so scared of getting things wrong that they would rather put off or not attempt tasks or difficult conversations that could risk failure. So hurt partners often accuse them of not pulling their weight and failing to invest in the relationship.

Perfectionists often say they are their own greatest critic as though this justifies their harsh judgement of others. Often, though, they somehow feel it might be dangerous to miss any kind of flaw or mistake and they may not understand why others aren’t as cautious. However, not only are perfectionists never satisfied with their performance, they can’t recognise what is good enough. The constant striving for the impossible is a huge distraction from what’s acceptable, so that they are often unable to appreciate when their behaviour is unacceptable.

Though they may see their criticism as helpful, others will often find it judgemental or even aggressive and respond defensively. From here it’s very easy for a relationship to become toxic, with partners constantly bickering. Avoiding new places and activities also creates relationship issues. Fearful perfectionists often find partners who are more adventurous, who embrace the unfamiliar and who can come to resent the restrictions placed on their lives.

Perfectionists are often uncertain about relationships, sometimes letting great partners go because they worry they aren’t a good enough couple. Often, the normal changes in relationships, as they develop and become less exciting, are seen as fatal flaws. They may end these relationships themselves or fail to fight for them when partners give up, tired of all the complaints.

NO CREDIT OR APPRECIATION

Perfectionists may not give credit or show appreciation, on the basis that there is always room for improvement. This can have a hugely negative impact on all relationships, as partners, family, friends, colleagues and children feel unappreciated and never good enough. This is how perfectionism  begins. Family or teachers treat a child as though they should know everything without any guidance and are impossible to please. The poor child grows up believing that anything less than perfection will bring negative consequences – which it may always have done during  childhood. Taking their cue from their significant adults, they may  become particularly critical and harsh towards others. They think that recognising imperfection and striving for faultlessness are required by others and expected of them. They may consequently be completely baffled as to why others are annoyed by them when they are trying so hard, becoming more critical of self and others the more their efforts go unrewarded.

This is difficult to change, but it is possible once someone realises what’s happening. The biggest hurdle to overcome is to seek and accept help. Even the most unhappy perfectionist may find it impossible to admit what they’re going through and, even if they do, may feel they’re expected to fix it by themselves. It takes considerable courage and a determination to change to take the first steps to being different. Once started, though, people can learn to forgive themselves and allow themselves to be human, complete with human flaws.TRT