The Romantasy Therapist

Romantasy couples certainly know how to argue – at least in their enemies phase. Much of their anger and the put-downs result from misunderstanding and quickly morph into banter, into flirting, into love. Cute. Mortal couples’ anger is not so pretty. Many seem to have completely forgotten that they’re on the same side, using their competitive fury as protection and behaving as though to fail could have mortal consequences. They morph from lovers to enemies, often unable to say how or why this has happened.

For some people, there is rage – an extreme form of anger that can feel overwhelming. While, for most of us, rage appears rarely, for a few it is an unexceptional part of life, usually directed at the people closest to them. People with everyday, routine rage often feel let down, unheard and misunderstood. They blame others for everything, and appear to feel justified in issuing accusations. In the unhappiest cases, the rage erupts into violence, with the angry person often harming themselves and their property as well as posing a threat to others who  may consequently feel it’s risky to ever object. Their love is gradually lost as they struggle to understand and cope with the rage that’s constantly directed at them.

ROUTINE RAGE

Routine rage ruins relationships, causing fear and misery. Though raging people feel their fury is justified because they’ve been so mistreated, they’re unable to see that they push people away or that being around them is awful. The source of their rage often isn’t anything that’s happening now. Though they blame a recent event, this is only a trigger which has ignited feelings about something which happened much, much earlier. For instance, feeling unheard can remind someone of being left to cry as a baby. Because they can’t remember this very early event in their heads, their bodies remind them, producing crushing feelings of wrath that they direct at anything in their path. Unaware that they’ve been triggered, and that their bodies are remembering a long-ago event, they blame whoever is present for the consuming feelings they’re experiencing. The rage escalates if other people fight back, so that something really minor can seem catastrophic, with each angry episode feeding the next one.

Someone with routine rage may become more and more unhappy, so that their terrifying mood seems constant. They may feel it’s completely out of their control  and that someone else – usually their partner – is fuelling their feelings. If they’re challenged, they’ll lash out, unable to accept responsibility and protesting that they’ve been unfairly rejected. They may think that turning the rage towards themselves demonstrates how upset they are, but to others it can feel highly controlling to others and inescapable.

COMES FROM NOWHERE

Many people don’t understand the rage they’re experiencing. It may seem to come from nowhere and they may know, deep down, that it isn’t entirely justified. Nonetheless, people with routine rage find it hard to see others’ point of view and don’t usually listen to anyone else, even though they insist that they must be heard. Usually, the same complaints and arguments are repeated endlessly but no change ever occurs.

Being angry isn’t what we’d choose for ourselves. People who’ve grown up used to criticism or anger may expect it and frequently find partners who will deliver it beautifully. They often see simple requests or observations as criticisms and react with furious insults, way out of proportion to the unintended insult. Even if their partners aren’t as defensive, they may respond with anger so that even worse arguing becomes a daily event, teaching their children that relationships are scary. So the cycle continues, with the children becoming defensive or apologetic adults who expect love and care to be withheld, to have to be fought for.

Some couples defend their anger, claiming to be proud of their ability to express their feelings openly. However, this is very difficult for other people to witness. Friends often end up avoiding angry couples because their vicious arguing ruins what should have been a pleasant occasion. But angry couples are often oblivious to the effect they have on others, totally unaware of how inconsiderate their behaviour has become. Children who have to watch their parents argue feel unsafe and become hypervigilant to their parent’s moods. This can result in the development of a submissive and people-pleasing personality, or the child may learn that anger is the way to stay safe and manage other people.

One of the reasons anger is so common is that, for many people, it’s much more acceptable than many other emotions. There may be shame associated with feelings like vulnerability, love, sadness and fear, so people show anger instead. This isn’t usually a conscious decision but more second nature, developed in families where emotion wasn’t especially welcome. It’s hard to change, so couples who argue and people with routine rage benefit particularly  from therapy with trauma specialists who can help to treat the underlying reasons for the anger, to unlock real emotion and to soothe their pain. TRT