Romantasy couples have great sex. Some of them even produce lightning when they climax – we all think of Violet and Xaden on a stormy night. But mortals often have a tougher time, and the more worrying sex becomes, the more this anxiety causes problems.
Many people still don’t recognise the importance of the clitoris, often hoping that intercourse will be enough to cause orgasm though direct clitoral stimulation is almost always needed. In Romantasy, however, it’s evident that foreplay is what happens before clitoral stimulation rather than before intercourse. Pleasure in giving, as well as receiving, is very obvious in Romantasy. The first time couples make love the guy often concentrates on the woman’s pleasure, saving his own orgasm for another time while making sure she has several. The descriptions of how the couple do this are so detailed that many psychosexual therapists now suggest reading Romantasy when their clients are unsure about what to do!
RESPONSE PRESSURE
The books model respect, consent and the joy of intimacy, which helps people to recognise the characteristics of a good relationship and anxiety-free sex. Romantasy couples have worries and anxiety too, but are able to allow themselves to relax and enjoy. Many people find that more difficult IRL, often unable to climax because they can’t let go. Tensing and relaxing, holdiong a deep breath and releasing it and pretending to yourself that you’re orgasming are often successful ways of tipping over the edge if you want to. Practising letting go in everyday life can be helpful too. People often try this by yelling at the top of their lungs. A roller coaster ride allows for this, as well as being a way of letting go in itself.
It’s important to say that anyone can have a great sexual experience without an orgasm, and it shouldn’t be a required outcome for every sexual encounter. Unfortunately, it can be a matter of considerable pride for some people that their partner climaxes, and/or they may find their partner’s orgasm incredibly arousing – which helps them with their own orgasm. This can be a problem for some partners, who may develop response pressure because they are so aware of causing disappointment if they don’t climax. Indeed, this is a reason that some people fake orgasm.
FEAR OF ORGASM
Being stressed or preoccupied inevitably makes sex less enjoyable, and there are some people who are actively afraid of an orgasm which they see as a loss of much-needed control. Insufficient stimulation is another obvious reason orgasms don’t happen, which is why the first few times a couple make love may be more tentative as they learn about each other’s bodies and responses. It helps to know your own body well so that you can share likes and dislikes with your partner. Some people are put off by directions, but showing and asking for what you like shouldn’t be threatening. If it is, and you’re fearful about not being able to climax, the chances are that you won’t. It may take time to overcome your anxiety and for you and your partner to get to know each other’s bodies. Being prepared to experiment is essential.
Some people find it easy to climax alone but have difficulties with partners or sometimes just with special partners. Delayed ejaculation happens when someone is able to get an erection and have intercourse but finds it takes a long time to climax or that they can’t climax inside their partner. This can be due to fears of pregnancy or of hurting their partner.
CLINICAL ISSUES
Sometimes people find the quality of their orgasm changes or that orgasms become easier or more difficult after an illness, during pregnancy or the menopause. Alcohol and a number of drugs can affect orgasm. For instance, some antidepressants are associated with orgasm difficulty. Medical conditions, such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease and some hormonal and neurological problems, are among implicated physical causes, so it’s always worth a visit to your GP if orgasm difficulties persist.
Even when a medical reason is found and treated, orgasm difficulty remains one of the issues commonly treated by psychosexual therapists, as fear of recurrence actually causes it to persist. The longer this goes on, the worse it becomes – so don’t delay in seeking help. TRT
The Romantasy Therapist 
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