The Romantasy Therapist

In The Book of Azrael, Dianna’s sister Gabby doesn’t understand why she can’t leave her abusive boyfriend Kaden or give up the work he makes her do. Gabby notices the bruises on Dianna, how she is always hypervigilant and jumpy, and wants her to have a more  normal life where they can hang out together more often, as other sisters do. But Dianna made a deal with Kaden which saved Gabby’s life when she was dying. Dianna believes that, while Kaden is happy, Gabby will be safe and that leaving him would be too dangerous.

IRL, too, leaving controlling partners is simply not an option for many people who fear for the safety of others as well as themselves, and often have nowhere safe to go and no resources. It’s not uncommon for oppressive partners to threaten family members, pets and property, to keep their significant other short of money, isolate them from their families and friends or even turn their children against them. (Scroll down: There’s a list of support agencies at the bottom of the page).

Gabby knows about Kaden’s behaviour, but family and friends often aren’t aware of abusive traits, as the person being abused will often feel too ashamed to tell other people what’s happening. They may also feel that talking about it could make it more real, and that they don’t want to damage other people’s relationship with their partner. There can often be concerns about the consequences if their partner finds out they’ve been discussing them too.

ABUSERS CAN BE VERY CHARMING

Lack of information and understanding about the relationship mean other people may encourage someone to try again or try harder when they finally do reveal what’s been happening. They may think the behaviour is new or a one-off, or find it hard to believe. Abusers can be very charming and, though they may limit contact with their partner’s family and friends, can give the impression this is the partner’s choice. Sometimes they’ll even confide in family and friends that they’re worried about their partner’s mental health, so that any behaviour changes caused by the abuser are put down to this. In fact, the person being abused may have been so changed by the relationship, and so doubt their own judgement, that they believe family and friends who are positive about the partner can see qualities they are missing, and feel discouraged from seeking help again.

One of the most wonderful things about Romantasy books is that many of the women are just as strong, feisty and able as the men. They often feel insecure and lack confidence, but they still ultimately expect respect and sometimes walk away from men they decide are unsuitable. Male partners in Romantasy  are mostly (eventually!) good role models, careful about consent and contraception, protective and considerate, able to listen, support and own their mistakes. I was interested to see a guy on TikTok encouraging other men to read Rebecca Yarros’ Fourth Wing, which he described as not just a great work of fiction but a manual for how to treat women! Many therapists would agree that the couples in Romantasy do model the way relationships could and should be.

TAKEAWAY

If you have doubts about your relationship, share your concerns with family and friends at an early stage. It isn’t worth having a partner at any cost or delaying until you’re no longer able to make the most of your freedom. TRT

HELP:

UK: Homepage – National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

USA: Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline

Australia: Home | 1800RESPECT

Canada: Home | 1800RESPECT