The Romantasy Therapist

Romantasy characters undergo a huge amount of change, often not of their own choosing. Obvious examples include Violet Sorrengail in Recbecca Yarros’ Fourth Wing who finds herself joining Basgiath War College as a dragon rider rather than as a scribe, which is what she had always expected. In Sarah J. Maas’ A Court of Thorns and Roses, Feyre finds herself the prisoner of a High Fae Lord, with a much more privileged life than she was used to –  but unable to see her family.   Not only does Vaasa find herself married off to an enemy ruler in Rebecca Robinson’s The Serpent and the Wolf, but she also discovers she’s a witch with magical powers which are hard to control. And Mische, who becomes a vampire in Carissa Broadbent’s Crowns of Nyaxia series, loses everything but keeps on going.  The resilience and determination of Romantasy characters offers hope to readers, especially when they find change difficult to manage in real life.

It isn’t always easy to make changes, particularly when it comes to unhealthy or unhelpful behaviours we’re used to and may enjoy, but which aren’t good for us. This can range from changing to a healthier diet to standing up to a bully. We want to make the changes but, when it comes to it, we figure there’s always tomorrow.

FEELING STUCK

In therapy, people often say they feel stuck, having tried everything to make a change but nothing works. Often, they’ve tried something different once and given up after just that one time because it didn’t work right away, forgetting that it takes time to become skilled in anything new or it takes a while to bed in. This is something Romantasy characters are usually aware of, practising new skills relentlessly and working hard at finding a different approach.

Couples who say they’ve tried everything to, say, stop arguing have frequently just repeated the same tactic over and over again. Rather than listening to one another and seeking a compromise, they just keep blaming each other and are baffled that this doesn’t help.  What they often aren’t doing, which would make all the difference, is identifying what they need and asking for that. If all you do is blame, all your partner will do is defend themselves.

STEPS TO CHANGE

Making a change involves a few steps. First of all, you have to work out what you want and then plan how to get that. Many people who feel dissatisfied nevertheless omit this crucial first step. Even when they do identify what they need, they may decide it’s unattainable because it means stepping outside their comfort zone. For instance, someone who has identified that they’re bored may nonetheless be nervous about trying a new activity if it involves meeting new people or attempting something they may turn our not to like or be good at. But they’ll never know until they try, and most people you’ll come across understand first time nerves and are welcoming and helpful. If you hate that new thing, you can always give up after giving it a fair shot.

Many people also won’t try something new if it involves travel, worrying about being late, how to get there or where to park. These concerns are understandable and common. Ask for advice, try a practise run or just chill. Being late is not the end of the world, especially on a first visit.

Don’t hesitate to ask friends or acquaintances to join you just because you fear they might not be able to. A ‘no’ shouldn’t be seen as a rejection of you. There are masses of reasons why someone might not want to join you in a new activity, including that they’re even more scared of trying new things than you are.

Where relationships are concerned, many people feel shame about having to ask for their needs to be met. But partners aren’t mind readers, much as we would like them to be. We need to be brave and ask, rather than blaming others for not knowing what we need. Often, they’ll have no idea what we wanted and be only too pleased to be given some clues.

“Even tiny changes can make a big difference”

Making your partner feel bad or needy for wanting something and asking for it is a huge red flag. In healthy relationships, couples can discuss their needs and negotiate ways for them to be met. If this is impossible in your relationship, and you’re made to feel ashamed for having needs, blaming yourself or hoping your partner will guess what you want is not going to help. This is probably not a relationship that’s going to improve, but getting out may require the help of others.

Many people also have sneaky little voices which tell them not to try anything new as it’s certain to fail. Though listening to negative voices can avoid disappointment if something new doesn’t turn out well, it tends to set up alternative stresses like other voices which berate you for not trying, or feelings of missing out which also feel like failures. Better to have a go and at least know you tried. More often than not, new things do work out well when they’re given a proper chance. Usually, even tiny changes can make a big difference.

What new stuff have you tried recently?TRT