The Romantasy Therapist

When they get to know their ‘enemy’ a bit better, many Romantasy characters realise they’ve never felt so strongly or deeply before, at last appreciating how shallow and inadequate previous relationships have been. In Kaylie Smith’s Phantasma, for instance, Ophelia realises that her ex, Elliott, made her feel broken. Freya from Danielle L. Jensen’s A Fate Inked in Blood, knew her husband Vragi was a dead loss, but hadn’t been aware quite how much passion he lacked until she met Bjorn. And though Feyre, in Sarah J. Maas’ A Court of Thorns and Roses, ends up remembering her former boyfriend Isaac with fondness, she realises their encounters were not a patch on what she experiences with Tamlin. We too often expect less than we deserve and even settle for a relationship that makes us sad and resentful.

While many people do complain about their partners and feel dissatisfied, they often don’t realise that better relationships could exist, so it doesn’t occur to them to try to improve theirs or look for another. By the time they do cotton on, it’s often too late to save the relationship. Couple therapists will be quick to tell you their job would be so much easier if people sought help when they first experience problems rather than waiting until there is actually no hope. Some of this may be because it’s hard to fully appreciate just how bad a relationship has become. The  longer a relationship lasts, the more our brains may persuade us we’re okay with it. Our brains recognise our habits and prompt us to repeat them, so we can just keep on with our unsatisfactory life because its very familiarity can make it seem better than it really is. We also don’t like feeling we’re not doing as well as we could be, or that we’re being unfair, so may focus on more positive qualities of our partners rather than dwelling on their faults. Even when we do, and even when both partners acknowledge that things are far from okay, we can still fail to realise that we’ve fallen out of love and keep on thinking the relationship is salvageable long after it has died.

Another of the reasons people may persist with a relationship, or even continue dating when they’re not enjoying it, can be shame about not having a partner. As well as signalling to the world that they’re ‘good enough’ because they have a significant other, many people use their relationship, and sexual behaviour in particular, as evidence to themselves that they’re acceptable and good enough. Feeling sexually desirable is used not just to indicate the health of the relationship but also the ‘normality’ of the individual. This is particularly true for some men who feel their masculinity is reflected in their sexual behaviour. The inability to get and keep an erection and to ejaculate can be devastating, so that some men develop hyperfocus on these ‘tasks’, often at the expense of sexual pleasure. For LGBTQ+ folk, sex can also powerfully reinforce feelings of identity and efficacy.

Virginity  

One element of performance is the ‘loss’ of virginity. Fascinatingly, many young people come into therapy complaining that the pandemic lockdowns made it impossible for them to get rid of their virginity in the timescale they’d predicted. This made them feel disadvantaged and more insecure about embarking on the next phase of their lives, where they felt they would be marked out by their inexperience.

Our ardent Romantasy couples also often have doubts about themselves and their self-worth, but a hallmark of their relationships is that they make them feel happier and more satisfied with life generally, more supported and loved —  usually in a way they’ve never experienced before – and more content with themselves as individuals. When it comes down to it, that’s how we should all be feeling in our relationships. Romantasy it may be, but it’s providing a template which may make more of us strive for the relationship satisfaction we truly deserve. TRT