The Romantasy Therapist

Many of the couples in Romantasy start out with pretend relationships or as enemies. What has us hugging ourselves with anticipation and delight is their slow transition to lovers, with plenty of misunderstandings and near misses along the way. But quite a few of these guys, at least initially, have some pretty terrible attitudes and behaviours. While they may have an immediate attraction to our narrator (who is usually the love interest), they can still be pretty dreadful to everyone else.

They’re normally remarkably carried away with their love/lust interest quite quickly, though this is rarely fully evident to the girl herself who sees their unexpectedly protective behaviour as just a matter of protecting their own interests. And when she too is swept up with rampant passion, they’re often both daftly misreading each other and trying not to reveal their feelings. Cute.

When they do succumb to their overwhelming desire for one another, the guy may still behave quite ruthlessly towards everyone else, whilst being ever so kind and solicitous to the lover. This is often put down to the stress of protecting their kingdom from large armies of predators who are draining their magic. Admittedly, they are usually under a lot of strain. But still.

Anyone who has been through real life dating recently would doubtless be totally thrilled to meet a person who fell as completely and utterly in love so fast and furiously, who showed such respect and tenderness and who was such an incredibly thoughtful and mind-blowing lover as a Romantasy hero. And, very importantly, they often manage to shed their bad boy and Dark Triad tendencies almost overnight.

“There are female wrong ‘uns too, but Amarantha just kidnaps and clobbers.”

I can hear protests that many Romantasy men show signs of humanity early on, especially loyalty to family and friends they’ve often adopted or sponsored in some way. Fair enough. The major characters are rarely completely cruel and gaslighting rotters like Kaden from The Book of Azrael who leaves Dianna straight after sex. Perhaps because he ultimately feels unlovable (ha!),  Kaden controls Dianna by threat rather than love and affection, so that she does ‘every single thing’  he wants.  Jurian in A Court of Thorns and Roses, similarly uses Amarantha’s sister and then murders her, making sure Amarantha finds her remains. Sure, there are female wrong ‘uns too, and Amarantha is one of them –  though it was Jurian’s horrific trauma which nourished Amarantha’s psychopathic tendencies. She certainly loves playing with people – cruel games that involve torture and death – but Dark Triad behaviours are specifically honed to use in ongoing relationships. Amarantha is nowhere near subtle enough to use them effectively. She just kidnaps and clobbers.

The three personalities that make up the Dark Triad are Machiavellianism, Narcissism, and Psychopathy. Those affected may only show minor signs of all or some characteristics, or there may be very obvious signals of all three. Machiavellianism is characterised by little genuine care and consideration but considerable charm, which is used to further Machiavellians’ own ends. Despite being short on empathy, they’re masters at attracting and inspiring others – or manipulating them. Though we don’t see much of him, Tarik Relaken, the Machiavellian Jimmy Saville of Romantasy in When The Moon Hatched, is a neat example.

Narcissists, meanwhile, think they’re great, often exaggerating their own achievements while devaluing others and reacting badly to challenge. They’re helped to remain far removed from potential negative feelings about themselves by  harshly blaming others, often to make themselves look better, while taking no responsibility for their own behaviour.  The Book of Azrael’s Samkiel is hugely self-absorbed and narcissistic, believing himself to be so much better than everyone else. And, though as his back story emerges and he becomes more Liam, a more sympathetic and self-effacing character emerges, his self-interest ultimately serves him poorly.

“Psychopaths don’t care about other people or experience guilt when they hurt them”

Psychopaths get a kick from cruelty and are callous and remorseless, as well as inclined towards antisocial behaviour, often taking pride in avoiding rules. They don’t care about other people or experience guilt when they hurt them. Maybe because they’ve been badly treated early on in life, they don’t trust others to love them – though they may want to receive love and respect from others – so they use lies, gaslighting and cruelty to keep partners close. Jack in Fourth Wing is like a kit psychopath, while previously shamed Kaden, from The Book of Azrael, and Rhysand, the dishy head of the night court in the ACOTAR series, seem to have elements of all three Dark Triad personalities. Rhysand especially, is charming and persuasive, only helping out Feyre because it benefits him

Not all bad

While none of the true Romantasy heroes are all that bad, they do have some dodgy Dark Triad moments. Among the (sometimes) good guys, Hawke Flynn/Casteel Da’Neer in From Blood and Ash, has undeniably psychopathic tendencies, making out with Poppy when they’ve only just met, killing people who are close to her and revelling in breaking the rules. Fourth Wing’s scrummy Xaden Riorson also initially comes across as a bit Machiavellian, having risen rapidly to Wingleader status. His lack of empathy, ruthlessness and disinterest contrasts with his attractive qualities which surface when it’s in his interests to connect. Likewise, Tamlin looks after Feyre’s family in ACOTAR, using glamouring magic to stop her father and sisters from remembering Feyre’s abduction and to accept an unlikely story about where she’s gone and where their sudden riches have come from.  Though knowing her family are safe is reassuring to Feyre, their care is also a way of controlling her, as Tamlin threatens to stop looking after them if she tries to escape. Gods, you have to admit this is pretty self-serving, even if he does end up falling in love with Feyre and going through quite a rough patch (though, let’s be honest, it’s Feyre that sorts him out).

Controlling, exploiting and blaming

Romantasy men’s suffering is something their women can recognise and try to heal. This is reciprocal; the men’s love and attention can be life changing. They usually both end up better people as a result of their relationship. Which is how it should be. IRL, however,  it usually doesn’t matter how traumatised they’ve been, guys showing Dark Triad behaviours don’t automatically reform when true love strikes, even assuming they’d know what love is. They’re more likely to mistrust it and double down on controlling, exploiting and blaming. Interestingly, they can be dependable and good leaders, but this doesn’t seem to come without cost, particularly to their partners who may suffer and change their behaviour in the hopes of some crumbs of affection. Even when these are offered, they’re often quickly withdrawn.

It’s easy to be fooled by charismatic and attractive partners, especially for those of us with low self-esteem who are flattered by their attention and ashamed to lose them. On the whole, however, Romantasy women, aren’t so easily fooled. Ultimately, they would sooner slit these guys’ throats than become their door mats, albeit that some – like Kaden – exert a fiendish hold over their women. That the good guys have a little bit of bad –  which is often explained by their traumatic experiences – that’s cured, or at least improved, by love – nonetheless gives us hope that is often not at all justified in our real world experience. TRT